I know I mentioned this in last week’s column, but it’s going to be a short story at least this week and next week mainly consisting of funny things I found on the internet this past week. School and work have been combining to give me zero free time lately. Plus I’m going to Seattle this weekend. Hopefully in a few weeks I can get back to a little more in-depth writing.
What A Time To Be Alive!
Creative? Master Storyteller? You Should Work In Marketing For A Candy Company.
I’m not sure if you have seen this, but you need to watch it. I would pay $10.50 to see this and pay $5 for the box of candy.
Sports, Sports, Sports. Is Your Whole Life Just Sports?
What a horrible, embarrassing week for U.S.A. Men’s Soccer. I guess I don’t really care that much, but I’m glad that we got this joke out of it.
Speaking of Barstool Sports and ESPN…
Smells Like October Baseball, Except In Cleveland, Where It Smells Like Someone Pooped The Bed
Cleveland, Cleveland, Cleveland. You couldn’t get it done, you beautiful choking bastards. Don’t feel bad. It’s the Yankees. MLB never wanted you to make a deep run in the playoffs Cleveland. They couldn’t keep the Red Sox in there because the Astros are just too good. But the Yankees? Oh, they are going to make sure that happens.
By the way Cleveland, if you have problems like this in the future, I recommend this tactic to get the ump to expand the strike zone.
I love this time of year. You have baseball, football, hockey, and basketball all happening in the sports world, and it makes for some great finds on social media. This little gem is courtesy of a retweet by Kurt, so thank you Kurt.
After their loss last week, defending national champions and formerly #2 Clemson had to change their mascot…
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of college quarterbacks, how’s that mythical 2018 class looking?
So I’m not sure about the QBs in this years upcoming class, but I know for sure that the RBs are going to blow people away as we get further into the draft season. I guess John Kelly isn’t eligible to declare for the draft until 2019 (I thought he was a junior but I also don’t understand the rules for college athletes), but I can’t wait until he is in the NFL doing this to defenders:
My heart goes out to all the people being affected by the horrible wildfires in Northern California, and with those dealing with the fallout from the other recent natural disasters in our world. I can say that I am a little disappointed, because there was a significant decrease in air-quality in Oakland due to the smoke from the fires. At one point the Mayor of San Diego offered to host the current Oakland and soon-to-be Las Vegas Raider vs. Los Angeles Chargers game this weekend, and I am bitterly disappointed that this didn’t happen. How great would it have been for the Chargers to play a “road” game in their old stadium (which probably would have had better attendance than their current home games) against the hated Oakland Raiders? It could have been a highlight of the 2017 season.
Piggybacking off last week, here is some more footage of a kicker trying to prove that they are football players too.
WEEK SIX IN REVIEW
The weekly Tony Romo Moment(s) of Prognostication:
Someone needs to start writing Al’s lines for him…
…if only to avoid moments like this.
If you feel like there are a lot of injuries this season, you’re right.
And then there is this:
WEEK SIX MATCH-UPS
Brady’s Pouty Face (92.69) over The Hunks (81.40)
I’m only going to make one joke, and we’re going to get it out of the way right now.
So here’s the thing about injuries; they’re fair. Now I’m sure you’re up in arms, saying “Dane! It’s not fair that my fantasy team lost player X or my real-life team lost player Y.” It is. When you look at these things over time, they tend to average out. One team or another may seem to have terrible luck this year or next year, but when you look at the whole picture, every team seems to suffer setbacks like these. However, we have recency bias, so these injuries often seem like a terrible miscarriage of justice because we don’t have the perspective of time. But today we do. It sucks loosing a player to injury earlier in their game, because you basically play the week with one starter spot putting up a big old doughnut. It doublely sucks when that player lost to injury is a quarterback, a position that usually puts up double digit points every week. But when it happens to both team’s starting quarterbacks, it’s fair. What isn’t fair is that Brock Osweiler yet again wasn’t able to get some time in the limelight because the injured Bronco’s starter wouldn’t stay off the field.
Just an absolute implosion by the Broncos, but…
Here’s the reason why the Broncos seemed to completely poop the bed Sunday Night:
Impressive team effort for Keith in that he was able to put up 90+ points without a quarterback. Bell and Fournette are the cream of the fantasy football running-back crop, forming the ideal 1-2 tandem to anchor Keith’s team. I’m happy to see McKinnon enjoying success too. As a Viking’s fan I don’t expect it to continue, but I have been wrong in the past. Unfortunately for Keith it looks like he will be without Emmanuel Sanders for awhile. Wide receiver depth is about the only weakness I can find on this team at the halfway point.
Things are not quite as bright on the other sideline in this one. We’ll start with the obvious; losing Aaron Rodgers is a huge blow to Travis, especially when Davante Adams has been his #1 WR so far this season. I will be very interested how this one shakes out with Brett Hundley under center. So far this season Jordy is the #4 overall WR in our scoring system while Adams is the #6. Adams has the edge in yardage and receptions while Jordy has the slight edge in touchdowns. Of course that is also with Jordy putting up a zero in Atlanta after missing nearly the entire game with a quad injury. I think that Adams is the better physical specimen at WR at this point, but Jordy has been one of the best WRs in the NFL for a long time. On the bright-side for Travis, it’s nice to see Jay Ajayi finally putting up some fantasy numbers, and Doug Martin has looked great his first two weeks back from suspension.
Just so you know, I wanted to include this little nugget under a match-up that featured a Browns pass-catcher. Duke Johnson Jr. That’s it. I can’t find another rostered Brown’s pass-catcher in our league, and Travis isn’t even starting The Duke. In other Brown’s news…
It’s so bad their own social media team is calling them out.
R-E-L-A-X Help is on the way.
My Huge Balls Made Me Do It (93.52) over Mel Kiper’s Best Available (85.81)
So the Saints and Lions combined for 90 point scorenami on Sunday in the bayou, and Drew Brees wound up with 13.99 fantasy points. What a weird game. How weird? Matthew Stafford threw three touchdown passes and three interceptions. Drew Brees threw for two touchdown passes and two interceptions. The Saint’s defense scored three touchdowns. That’s right, the Saint’s defense is now outscoring Drew Brees. What a time to be alive! All I know is that it is a Godsend for the Steelers that Antonio Brown is a great football player, because Big Ben sure as hell isn’t anymore. I mean, does this look like a two time superbowl champion quarterback to you?
If he is still wondering if he has it anymore someone should let him know that he doesn’t. And that brings us to the curious case of Dr. Breida and Mr. Hyde. The lion’s share goes to Carlos this week, but there are clearly some #Shanahanigans going on 45 minutes southeast of San Francisco. I hope that Jarvis Landry can keep this up, because I’m afraid Randall Cobb might have seen any fantasy usefulness he had disappear the minute Rodgers left the field on that cart (This is not good for me, as I had the Rodgers/Cobb stack in a different league I am in). I’m also not sure what AJ does about Derek Henry. He is clearly in some sort of a timeshare with DeMarco Murray, but good luck predicting which games he is going to rip off a 70+ yard TD run in garbage time. Also, what are you doing Colt’s defense? It’s going to be a run to keep the clock counting down. All you have to do is tackle him before he gets the first down. Under no circumstances do you let him have the edge. If he breaks up the middle for a first down, then there is at least one defensive lineman, linebacker, and defensive back that couldn’t get off their block and make the play. If you break contain and give him the edge, then you are out on an island and up the particular creek without a paddle the next day in the film room. Just awful execution on defense.
For Chad’s team, the Meatloaf Postulate finally failed him, as Kelce and Hill were quiet and Kareem Hunt had a “bad” game in which he only scored 10.73 points in fantasy. Seriously, that qualifies as a bad game for him so far in his career. Good to see Mike Evans off the snide, even if it took Patrick Peterson and Jameis Winston leaving the game to make it happen. Also, in-case anyone missed it last week, Kelvin Benjamin is the Panther’s number one wide receiver, and when Cam Newton is throwing the football downfield, even the Panther’s number one is no sure thing in fantasy land. I realize that Bunches of Funchess got 9 targets to Benjamin’s 13, but I don’t know if some of those passes from Cam really count. I’m just saying that even if Cam had been throwing hand grenades there was a good chance that Funchess would have been walking away from most of those “targets”. The good news is that Amari “Where Art Thou” Cooper started his comeback this week. Five receptions for 28 yards doesn’t seem like much, but he did have two long gains called back due to penalty (not committed by him). If Cooper’s line looked more like seven receptions for 75 yards, we might be a bit more excited.
Big Show and Your No-Prep Champion
Yep. It’s that time of the year where I pick on Cam Newton because for all his ability, his pure quarterbacking skill is below average and that is being generous. I’m not breaking any ground by picking on Newton’s mechanics or decision making, so let’s flip the script. How was this not a touchdown?
Anyway, three straight games of the “good” Cam Newton in fantasy for Rick. His next four are vs. CHI, TB, ATL, and MIA. Yeah, I’d keep starting him too Rick.
Game script being what it was, it has to be severely disappointing and concerning to watch CJ Anderson’s non-involvement Sunday Night. It’s bad enough that he has to split carries with Jamaal Charles, but to lose passing down work to Booker makes this a situation I would want no part of. I just don’t see that many games where the Broncos have a comfortable lead and are grinding out the clock with Anderson. Fortunately for Rick, Jordan Howard is pretty good, and he still gets 30 touches a game despite having to “share” the backfield. By the way, AJ Green was on a bye this week for Rick. So was Dez Bryant. That’s right, he did this with the timeless Larry Fitzgerald and Kelvin Benjamin, the Panther’s #1 WR, who scored 2 points for me in another league despite hauling 9 passes for 99 yards (thank you shitty scoring systems).
Looking on the bright side for Kurt, at least Crowell is starting to show signs of life (You think Cleveland will ever figure out that maybe the fact that they are only running the ball < 20 a game is the reason they are always down and losing games?), and the Rodger’s injury might actually make both Packers RB more valuable. The Golden Tate injury could be addition by subtraction when it comes to Kurt setting his lineup, as figuring out those receivers from week to week has been a nightmare. Speaking of that, here is a photo of Chris Hogan and T.Y. Hilton’s stat lines from week six running into each other on the streets of New York:
I know I used this joke last week, but it’s just too easy. I mean they both had one reception for 19 yards. If I had no answers last week, then this week is even worse. It’s not just a matter of injuries for Kurt. His starting lineup is simply not producing fantasy numbers despite having some good players. At this point, Kurt just has to hope that his team can start finding the endzone on a semi-consistent basis.
Wilfork For Food and Some Bad Hombres
I don’t even know what to say at this point. I can tell you that Lynch’s antics wore thin on me when he was in Seattle, but I’m starting to think that was just because I have a deep dislike of the Seahawks. Now I just wish they would give him the ball more.
In other Tim news, blind squirrels, nuts, etc. Gronkowski, Mark Ingram, & the Texan’s defense combined for 67.53 points this week. Speaking of Gronk, this tweet has aged well in the past month:
Hot takes here! Get your hot takes here! And speaking of hot takes…
The Saints finally figured out what the rest of us have known for about six months; Adrian Peterson was not a good fit in their offense. Lo and behold, Mark Ingram is actually pretty good when he doesn’t have to cede 5-10 carries a game to a square peg in a round hole. However, Sean Payton still hates him, so don’t expect two touchdowns a week Tim. As for Peterson, I can’t help but feel sorry for him…
If you want to know who I really feel sorry for, it’s Chris Johnson. You have to be really careful, because life comes at you fast, especially when you’re a 32 year old running back….
In all seriousness, I hope things work out for AP in the retirement community, and I hope Tim can get some fantasy value out of him along the way. Watching him this weekend in Arizona I saw the same thing I saw over the summer in Saints OTAs and training camp; the burst, explosion, and top end speed aren’t there anymore, but he still has power and that jump-cut in the hole is still effective if the blocking is there. At this point I think AP is a better Marshawn Lynch and Marshawn Lynch, unless the Raiders decide to start handing the ball to him 20 times a game like the Cardinals are going to do with AP (as long as they aren’t down by two scores).
Tim just can’t quit the golden boy, despite all evidence that he should.
I really can’t blame Tim though. Hard to bench one of the all-time greats…
Bye weeks and injuries really handcuffed Dave’s team this week, so I’m not going to spend time breaking down The Fighting Wilforks besides this comment: I know he was on a bye this week, but isn’t it starting to feel like this is one of those McCoy years where his final year-end stat-line is great except for the two total touchdowns?
Jordy I Hope There Are Tapes and Carr Trouble
Good Lord Melvin Gordon. You are the new Todd Gurley. Both of these backs are great to have in fantasy, but the usage is just unsustainable. Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do with it besides start them every week and hopefully survive every fourth game or so when they get 10 carries for 26 yards. I think both backs can be fantasy mainstays for several more years, but you would like to see the efficiency increase so that the usage can go down just a bit. Might as well include Leonard Fournette in this conversation as well. Fairly pedestrian day for the rest of Jim’s team, although Desean Jackson, Cameron Brate, and Michael Crabtree have been exceptional at putting the ball in the paint when they are healthy this year. Also, Jim beat me this week, so I will spare him the lecture of starting a Thursday Night player in his flex spot.
As apposed to pissing on the field, with is what the Oakland Raiders have been doing the past four weeks. I really do hope Carr and the rest of that team can get back on track and not just for Jim’s sake. AFC is more exciting with OAK, KC, HOU, JAX, etc. pushing for playoff spots.
So the early (and latest) news reports say Zeke is apparently suspended again, and personally, I hope he spends the next six games on the sideline like this:
Or is he?
No seriously, someone please let me know when they figure it out.
Hey, I’m just as upset about it as you are. And speaking of being upset…
I agree Berry. Just awful. In fact, it’s Bitter Berry Time!
And of course the Patriots benefited from this!
What I’m really trying to say is that I’m super glad I decided at the last minute to switch out Forte for Stewart because I figured that 5-6 baseline that Stewart was averaging was all I needed this week…
Vinny Del Negro Keeper League 